The famed Social Readjustment Rating Scale (also known as the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale) highlights divorce as one of the most traumatic events an individual can endure. The scale measures life upheaval in units of change. With a score of 73, divorce ranks just below the loss of a spouse, which earns 100 points. That’s right: divorce is considered more personally upsetting than job loss, the death of a close family member, or even imprisonment.
The Social Readjustment Rating Scale validates what many already know: divorce is hard. This is true even in so-called “easy” divorces, where spouses agree on most matters and resolve differences through mediation. But if both spouses agree they’re better off apart and even look forward to single life, why is the experience still so traumatic?
The Role of Uncertainty
An intriguing theory suggests that the primary challenge of divorce is uncertainty. Humans naturally seek and maintain patterns in their lives, and when this structure is disrupted, we feel uneasy. Even when necessary, disruptions like divorce create significant tension by changing the status quo.
Divorce is the ultimate source of uncertainty. Everything changes — from your living situation to childcare arrangements to finances. Even small changes can make the separation process difficult. Many divorcees, for example, find that their social lives are upended, as they once primarily socialized alongside their spouse and other couples. Navigating this new world can feel overwhelming.
The Science of Uncertainty
The natural human preference for certainty was demonstrated in a 2010 study in which students were asked to choose between a course that represented the status quo and a newer version. Regardless of how much coursework was involved, students consistently chose the status quo, illustrating the human tendency to cling to what’s familiar.
Overcoming the Fear of Change
Like it or not, divorce will bring about significant changes. However, if you can persevere through these challenges, you’ll likely emerge healthier and happier in the long run. Try to stabilize other areas of your life, such as your job, hobbies, and friendships. Lean on friends and family members for support, and don’t hesitate to work with a therapist if needed.
During divorce, it’s also essential to have a legal representative you can rely on to help guide you through the uncertainties.